“And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:19
I think I spend far too much time worried about finances. So much time, thought and energy is put into trying to figure out how to pay the bills, how to make sure we have food, how to pay my daughter’s daycare bills. I am also ashamed to admit that I do not want to just scrape by – I want to flourish. Growing up was hard for me because we didn’t have much money. My mom worked three jobs and tried her hardest, but it just wasn’t there for a really long time. Yet, even then God supplied everything we needed. I may not have had the best of everything – but I always had everything I needed. My mom told me that sometimes she would put dish towels on me as a diaper because she simply did not have the money to buy any. She then told me about amazing ways that God used people to help her, like when the landlord came by to collect rent. My mom told her that she just didn’t have the money but was working hard to get it. The landlord saw the dishtowel being used as a diaper, and not only accepted that my mom didn’t have the rent – but also came back later with a pack of diapers. Stories like this make me feel selfish and also deep down make me want to hoard diapers of every size so that this would never happen to me or my child now.
I started thinking about all of the things God has given me: a beautiful family complete with a patient husband, a beautiful baby girl, and two step boys that have the sweetest hearts. I have parents and siblings that would do anything for me, and my husband’s family is the exact same way. My family and I are healthy. We have a roof over our heads, and ample space to grow. We have never gone hungry. We have new cars. We have jobs. Putting it all in writing makes me feel pretty lousy that I still want. I want to own a home of our own, I want to get rid of the bondage of our credit card bills and pay all of our regular bills on time without worrying about where the money will come from. I want to put my daughter in dance someday and buy her cute clothing. And yet she has never gone without clothes…or diapers. Putting it all in writing gives perspective. God has never allowed me to go without, nor do I think he ever will. So what is my problem? I think a lot of my wanting comes from my flesh. I have been told by more than one person, and on more than one occasion that I will never be completely satisfied – and I think there has always been truth in that. I have found my value in the things that I own, the clothes that I wear, the status of my relationship – and not in the God that gives me all of these things.
I know that any real and lasting change can’t be fixed overnight, isn’t instant gratification another one of those character flaws that many of us battle with? When I was pregnant with my daughter I gained 70lbs because I gave myself permission to eat anything and everything that I wanted. My entire life I battled with dieting and finding the weight that I was comfortable at – but only recently, when trying to get this weight off, was I able to realize that a diet was not what I needed. I needed a life change. I have slowly tried to change my eating habits. If I want pizza, I eat pizza – just not the entire pizza. If I want ice cream, I have a scoop of ice cream – but not the pint. I think sometimes our relationship with God is a lot like this. It’s easy to go to church and feel peace and forgiveness, but it’s pretty hard to keep those feelings through the chaos of a Monday-Friday work week if you are not spending time reflecting and talking with God. I think my goal for a while will be to stop telling God all of the things I need in my life to make me happy, and just thank him for all of the things he has already given me. I am praying for a change of heart that accepts every circumstance and situation. Money, no money, in good and bad – I will be praying for peace that passes all understanding.
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